When closing up is the kindest thing to do - for yourself

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As in the words of Morcheeba's song 'Love and Fear', "I always try so hard, To share myself around ...". It's one of those things I do; keep busy, push on. Maybe this resonates with you, too!

I know it certainly does with quite a few of my friends who have been through the 'Cancer' experience themselves. In common with many others, I wanted to push on after I completed treatment for Triple Negative Breast Cancer in 2011; I dearly wanted to give something back. To the world, to the hospitals, to my friends, to my family, to the charities who'd been so supportive during those dark months.

And so I kept busy. I kept pushing on. Exhausted yet exhilarated in equal measure - happy to be alive, happy in my ability to be 'useful'.  Reflecting back on the madness of the last five years, I honestly feel it was because I needed to feel like I had a purpose.  (I know, I know! but our minds and egos ... phew!)

Then last Spring '15, I began to struggle to keep up with my charitable commitments. I had a whole list of things I wanted to achieve, big projects I wished to see through to fruition, attendance at focus groups who were doing sterling work in the world of Cancer. Yet my own emotions about Cancer were pretty much off the Richter scale; attending medical appointments as supporter to my father-in-law was taking its toll on me emotionally and physically. I secretly felt sick with apprehension as each 'cancer' meeting, event or conference approached: would I really have to talk about "it" AGAIN?

You see, I had never given myself time - or the permission to take the time - to heal those wounds; by keeping busy, by willingly give-give-giving my time and energy away to causes linked to Cancer, my emotions were able to hide themselves away quite adeptly.

So I think it's time - right now, in March 2016 - to put myself first. To step away from anything that I do that does not feel joyful, or that does not truly inspire me. Already I had moved away from lots of charitable committees and groups as 2015 progressed, with so little spare time to offer.

And so now it is time to close myself up for a little while. As Morcheeba sang,

"But now I'm closing up again
Drilling through the ground"

Time for this little flower to go back to the earth, to nourish herself with time to rest and recharge her creative seeds and vision; to nurture and ground herself in nature, nestled deep until she has sustained plentiful energies to blossom again and light up the world.

Our work will continue with offering Wellness Consultations, Creating Time events and Laughter Yoga training and facilitator but primarily from our sister-nest, www.CreaTEAvity.com ... I recognise that now is the time to step back a little from the big, scary world of Cancer and give my wounds time and space to heal.

After all, it's a big lesson to learn - and a hard one: 

Closing up really is the kindest thing to do - for yourself. 

We always have a choice
Or at least I think we do
We can always use our voice
I thought this to be true

We can live in fear
Extend ourselves to love
Or we can fall below
Or lift ourselves above

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear

I always try so hard
To share myself around
But now I'm closing up again
Drilling through the ground

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear

I'd love to give myself away
But I find it hard to trust
I've got no map to find my way
Amongst these clouds of dust

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear

Love and Fear - song by Morcheeba
from their album Big Calm, released 1998

Tell me, dear reader - have you ever felt like it was time to close yourself up, to recover? How long did you manage to take time out, I wonder?

Cancer Goddess
Cancer Goddess writes about whole-self wellness, creativity and beauty for women whose lives have been touched, in some way, by Cancer. You are warmly invited to 
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